Encoded Attraction: How Cultural Gender Scripts Hijack Who We’re Allowed to Be in Love
Healed and healthy dynamics between two people are often fragmented when discussed in modern discourse. There’s a constant dialogue about the roles certain genders should play—and the traits they should embody to show up “correctly” in the world. What I find incredibly flawed in this narrative is that people are missing the deeper point of holistic integration: every single human being on this planet has both a masculine side (e.g., presence, drive, action, protection, integrity) and a feminine side (e.g., receptivity, creativity, nurturing, compassion, connection). True holistic integration of the self requires a balance of both. And when this balance is missing within you, you're not in a healthy place to engage in any relationship—because that relationship will likely be rooted in toxicity.
Just as a side note- I acknowledge that this article approaches the topic through a binary lens for the sake of clarity and accessibility. However, the core concepts are universally applicable for individuals and can be adapted to align with your own unique identity and experience.
For example, there's so much dialogue—and even more unspoken messaging—that tells men women don’t like it when they share their feelings. That somehow expressing emotion makes them less of a man. That being stoic, distant, or supposedly "unfeeling" makes them more attractive and worthy of being “chased.” The concept of a “real man” has been bastardized into a toxic distortion of masculinity. But in reality, for a woman to feel vulnerable enough to lean in—to truly allow herself to desire a strong shoulder to cry on or be wrapped in a hug that makes the outside world disappear—there needs to be emotional depth. She has to feel that the emotional channel is open and safe.
Women don’t just need someone who stands tall and supports their dreams. They also need someone who can emote, share their inner thoughts, jump in puddles just because it’s raining, and admit when they’re afraid to chase their own hidden dreams. This openness allows strong feminines to integrate their own healthy balance of masculine and feminine. They can boldly support their partner through fear and doubt, take loyal action on their behalf, and truly show up for them. From this, a dynamic of protection, safety, vulnerability, and love in equal measure begins to unfold.
It all comes down to partnership, equality, duality, and balance—two people choosing to contribute to something greater than themselves. They become equanimous heroes for one another. And all of this stems from a foundation of authenticity, vulnerability, trust, honesty, and respect.
If you are open, honest, unconditionally loving, and intimately vulnerable in a way that is authentically you—and the other person doesn’t honor or value that—then they are not your person. Period. That doesn’t mean you are broken or need to change (assuming you're truly healed and healthy). It simply means: they’re not the right puzzle piece in the ever-evolving mystery that is your life. Don’t force the wrong piece into your puzzle to make it fit. Let it go. It belongs to someone else’s puzzle.
Every relationship falls into one of two categories: a lesson or a blessing. Don’t take either personally. Even when it's emotionally challenging, try to observe the relationship through a lens of logic—ideally striving for a balance between emotion and logic, and choosing the right "muscle" depending on the situation. Reflect on the lesson. Ask yourself: Why didn’t that piece fit? Were the edges too sharp? Was the vision and picture misaligned?
And above all, stay rooted in faith. Faith that another piece will come. Your piece. Your fit. It will arrive when you’re ready to complete the masterpiece that is your life.