Power Play: Dismantling the Subconscious Systems of How We Give (and Withhold) Love
As I have shared many times, I am an avid observer of patterns—in the world and in humanity. And I would purport that we, as a collective of humanity, have an incredibly flawed love operating system. We are running an outdated system based on a fragmented and corrupted version, layered with societal, cultural, and familial inferences.
Love should be given freely. Humanity is worthy. All beings deserve love. In every action and interaction, that should be our default operating system—not love doled out as a reward, not love given only under the condition of certain behaviors you expect to see. Just pure and generous, free-flowing expressions of the heart—no terms, no conditions. We aren’t contracts—we are people: living, breathing, unique beauty, gifted from and to the universe.
You are merely a drop of water in the collective ocean of humanity. Everyone is worthy. And it’s only your ego talking when you play judge, jury, and executioner—deciding who is deserving of love. If you’re withholding love—whether consciously or subconsciously—you’re turning it into a power play. Somewhere deep inside, there is a subconscious need to control another, to subtly hold your emotions close to your proverbial vest until they meet some condition you’ve set in your mind. And when they finally meet that condition, you grant them a reward—verbally or with action—in the form of love. That is conditional. Your withholding is a reflection of your need for power and control over others until they ask for mercy, capitulating to your terms of approval. It is emotional manipulation at its finest.
You may be reacting to this and saying, “I would never do that.” But be radically honest with yourself. Do you freely share compliments that pop into your head? Do you verbalize expressions of love vulnerably, without fear of how others will respond? How do you interact, minute to minute, with coworkers, friends, family—or even strangers you encounter daily?
To level set, let’s talk about the foundational definition of what I’m referring to. While I am not someone religious, when I was reflecting on the definition of love, this passage from the Bible immediately came to mind. And no matter what your religious beliefs are, this resonates with being human:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." — 1 Corinthians 13:4–8, New International Version (NIV)
“Struggle love,” as I like to call it, has no place in this definition. Healthy love comes from a place of generosity—whether you're addressing friendships, romantic relationships, family dynamics, or strangers. Observe your own patterns. We need an equal balance of logic and emotion to be fully integrated, grounded beings. You love the people around you and you emote—now use the logical side of you to discern how you should act on that love. Whether that means wishing someone the best from afar or connecting through daily interactions, let love guide it. Love for yourself is equally important—you should be vetting the entries in the passage above through the lens of how you are loving yourself.
If you don’t love yourself first, you are not yet equipped to love others unconditionally and accept them for who they truly are. You are still fragmented by how you’ve experienced love in your lifetime. You have to fix your own programming before you can share healthy love with others. Notice your patterns—your subconscious programming—and update your love operating system. How do you show up in the world? Who are you currently operating as, and who are you at your core?
Love shouldn’t be treated as a scarce commodity. The world—and the people living in it—are abundant. Let love be expressed. Let it flow as it was meant to.